


my heart blooms for you; suffocating me

by Shinkukka



Category: TsukiPro the Animation
Genre: Hanahaki AU, M/M, depictions of throwing up, imagery of throwing up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 08:27:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14614059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shinkukka/pseuds/Shinkukka
Summary: hanahaki disease - the condition where flowers bloom inside a person experiencing one-sided lovesymptoms include: coughing or throwing up petals/flowers, coughing or throwing up blood, heart failure, difficulty to breathecure(s): there are only two ways to get "cured" from hanahaki disease. achieving mutual love, or removing the bloom by surgery. getting your bloom surgically removed means losing your feelings with the flower, and sometimes in extreme cases causes loss of memory.lethality: the hanahaki disease, if untreated, will most often result in the death of the person infected





	my heart blooms for you; suffocating me

**Author's Note:**

> "I don't even really like hanahaki aus" -- me, 15 minutes before starting to write this
> 
> so yeah, it only took me three months to whip something up but here we are, shuei hanahaki au, my (late) birthday present for myself which made me lose sleep and gave me several headaches but! it's finally done! if you thought it was bad, don't worry, it'll get worse. please tell me how much you want to curse me after reading

Sometimes Shu wondered why the flowers didn’t appear earlier. It’s not like he was completely unattracted to Eichi when they first got to know each other. Maybe it was the fact that they rarely were able to meet back then that the flowers stayed away.

Even when they moved to the dorm with the twins after forming QUELL, the flowers didn’t appear right away. They sneakily made their way to Shu’s body the more he spent time living under the same roof as Eichi, seeing Eichi every day, waking up to Eichi, coming back home to Eichi, just _having_ Eichi _there_ , Eichi, _Eichi,_ **_Eichi_ ** \--!

Honestly, Shu shouldn’t have been surprised when he first felt like a flower was blooming inside his heart, desperately trying to get out, filling his heart and ripping it open. Despite the intensity of the feeling, he had found himself tightly grasping just a lone white petal inside his fist to make sure no one saw what happened. Compared to how strong the feeling was, the petal had found its way to his mouth easily, without any kind of coughing or gagging.

Knowing it would only get worse from there, Shu couldn’t help but wonder how much more he would end up feeling from then on.

—————

For the first few weeks, it was just petals. Different colours, different shapes, different sizes, occasionally, whenever his heart particularly ached, all just because of Eichi. Smiling a little differently at him, remembering something important for him, making sure he didn’t exhaust himself, _paying attention to him--._

It had definitely gotten worse. Sometimes, Shu could feel a petal stuck at the back of his throat right after he had a fleeting thought about Eichi. At the very least most thoughts only prompted a single petal so far, which was much easier to hide. It was much harder when Eichi – or someone else – was present.

White, light yellow, soft blue, fell into Shu’s hand after he successfully managed to hide the uncomfortable tingling sensation at the back of his throat with a well-placed cough. Crushing the petals by closing his hand into a fist and excusing himself, Shu made his way to the bathroom to flush his evidence down the toilet. No one should’ve suspected anything after his flawless act of indifference.

Barely two months after the first petal had found its way to the back of Shu’s throat, he found himself gagging on something that was slightly bigger than the singular petals that had been stuck, pressing against his vocal cords.

He had just closed the door of his dorm room behind him after parting ways with Eichi for the night when it hit. It didn’t feel like he’d be able to cough that one out, so Shu slowly entered two of his long, slender fingers into his mouth. When he could feel the tips of his fingers brush against petals, he gently placed them around it, gently tugging it to get the nuisance out.

After a few short moments, he was holding a whole flower in his palm.

Shu wouldn’t call himself an expert on flowers, but he knew this one. It was an orchid. And not just any kind of orchid, but an orchid with light green petals.

Sighing to himself, Shu took a few steps to sit on the edge of his bed, bringing his free hand to cover the lower half of his face. It was getting worse faster than he’d expected. It would only get harder and harder to hide this condition from now on, but he had to do it.

If only he had known just how much worse it was going to get back then.

—————

After the green orchid, Shu didn’t throw up any whole flowers that large for a while. No, it was just the usual amount of singular petals and whole flowers with a smaller bloom.

He had already lost count of how many fully formed flowers he had ended up getting rid of since then. It had barely been two weeks since the orchid and already his condition was rapidly worsening.

Shu had been an idiot for thinking this would all just go away eventually.

As if there was anyone in the whole wide world that could look at Eichi and decide they wouldn’t like him. As if there was anyone in the universe that could stop loving Eichi when they had already started loving him. As if he was able to just let go of all the precious feelings Eichi had given him so genuinely ever since they first met.

Feeling his chest tighten, Shu braced himself for another attack. He still hadn’t managed to clean up from the last one, several lily of the valley blooms scattered around his desk.

Covering his mouth instinctively, he managed to get the new flowers out of his throat with the help of a few coughs.

Steadying his breathing, Shu slowly opened his eyes to see what kind of petals his body had produced this time. Three blue and yellow pansies sat on his shaking palm, accompanied by a few lone petals. He could see his hand visibly trembling as he let the flowers fall onto the desk to accompany the other set of blooms.

Unfortunately, that was the very moment someone decided to knock on his door.

“Shu? Can I come in?” Eichi’s soft, warm voice carried through the door.

Hurriedly shuffling around the papers on his desk to hide the petals from view, Shu tried to calm himself down one more time.

“Sure, come in.”

The moment the words left his mouth, Eichi opened the door and let himself in. He was holding a tray with a teapot and two cups and made his way straight to Shu’s desk.

“You’ve been holed up in here since dinner, so I thought I’d give you a little break for always working so hard for us,” Eichi beamed, setting down the tray, careful not to put it on any of Shu’s papers.

“Thank you Eichi, I could really use a break right now,” he smiled back at the other man.

That was a small white lie. He had barely written down a full bar for the last hour but Eichi didn’t need to know that. Eichi already worried for him enough as it is.

“Though I must ask, why bring two cups?” Shu asked, genuinely confused.

“Well, since it’s nicer to enjoy tea with company, and the twins ended up dozing off early – which I don’t blame them for, considering the intensity of our dance lessons today – I thought I’d make us some evening tea. After all, I have to make sure you don’t exhaust yourself,” Eichi said, with a smile on his face.

Shu could feel his heart falter, and he barely managed to keep his composure instead of launching into yet another attack. Instead, he masked whatever his body might have done to give him away with a warm laughter.

“You never cease to amaze me Eichi,” Shu said, shaking his head a little, before continuing. “I’d love for you to join me”

Eichi poured them both a cup of tea and took a seat on the edge of Shu’s bed.

“Actually… that’s not the only reason I had with this,” Eichi admitted, holding his teacup with both hands, refusing to meet Shu’s eyes. “I was also hoping we could talk about something.”

Suddenly, the room felt 10 degrees colder and Shu felt his heart stop.

Eichi couldn’t possibly know, could he?

“Sure, what’s on your mind?” Shu asked, hoping he would be able to keep up his façade in front of Eichi.

Meeting his eyes, Eichi opened his mouth, but hesitated for a moment.

“Shu… please don’t lie to me about this,” Eichi started, and Shu’s blood ran cold. “Because, Shu, I just know something isn’t right. You’ve been more distant and honestly it feels like you’re hiding something from us, from me. And I’m sure I’m talking for the twins as well when I say that we want to be your strength, Shu. We’re here for you to fall back on. _I’m_ here for you.”

He sounded almost desperate and it pained Shu so much. Shu could feel something rising up his throat again, but he swallowed in an attempt to keep it down.

“I’m sorry, Eichi. It was never my intention to make you worry,” he looked down at the floor, unable to meet Eichi’s eyes as he was about to lie to him. “I guess I didn’t notice all the stress affecting me. Maybe I’ve been working a bit too hard and forgot to rest.”

Shu was sure that didn’t really fool Eichi. The other man didn’t press him for any more details, but Shu could sense he wasn’t satisfied.

“I’ll leave the teapot here, so you can refill if you want. I got the recipe from Rikka-san and it should ease a sore throat. I hope it’ll help you,” Eichi said, getting up from where he had been sitting. “I’m starting to feel a little tired myself, so I think I’ll clean up the kitchen and head to bed. Don’t stay up too late Shu. Good night.”

“Sleep well, Eichi. And again, thank you,” Shu answered, feeling a sting in his chest.

It hurt. It hurt lying to Eichi like this, but he couldn’t know. Shu had to keep this a secret until he found a way to make it all better. Until then, no one could know.

—————

It was some weeks after Eichi had confronted him that Shu finally failed at hiding his condition.

His last job for the day had been a radio show interview with Shiki and the ALIVE leaders. The interview itself wasn’t anything unusual, and they asked everyone pretty much the same questions. Shu liked interviews like this since he got to talk about QUELL, his pride and joy.

The problem was that these three people who lived in the same dorm as him, knew things. It was impossible to not know something about the people you shared a building with after all. So, with both Sora and Shiki at the same table, Shu was bound to get double teamed by the two.

“Ah, but because Shu-san often comes home late from work, I end up interacting with the rest of QUELL a lot more despite seeing Shu-san at the leaders’ meeting,” Sora chimed in after something Shu had said.

“That’s true, I especially see Eichi-san running errands often,” Kouki added. “I even ended up sharing some cooking tips with him when we ended up riding the elevator together.”

Everyone except Sora let out a small laugh, while Sora continued speaking.

“Yeah yeah, Eichi-san is the kind of person that easily follows your pace, or drags you into his, sometimes I wonder if there’s an end to his positive energy! He’s also very easy to get along with, it’s like you can’t hate him,” Sora said, and Kouki just nodded along.

“Eichi is very reliable indeed. I know Shu had his eye on him for a long time and I can definitely see why, I might have snatched him for myself if Shu hadn’t claimed him first,” Shiki intentionally teased.

“Mhm, you aren’t wrong,” Shu said in turn, deciding to play along for now. “There’s no way I would’ve handed Eichi to you, not when he’s so capable with the twins.”

“Oh, oh! Is this what they talk about when they say, ‘ _when the husband is away, the wife should watch over the house_ ’? Or something like that?” Sora pondered.

Shu felt his heart jump up to his throat at that statement. It wasn’t like there was anything inherently wrong with it, since that’s how their dynamic worked. But still, that their dynamic gave that impression to someone who didn’t know their situation made Shu’s heart flutter.

Suddenly, there were petals starting to tingle his throat and Shu wanted to throw up. But there was no way for him to excuse himself now, so all he could do was to drink water and hope he could keep it down until he could get away. Plastering on the best smile he could, given the situation, he realized Shiki had probably noticed his slip up.

“As much as this guy loves talking about his family, we shouldn’t probably give him any more reason to make Eichi even more embarrassed than he probably already is,” Shiki said, moving the conversation onwards.

In his head, Shu quietly thanked Shiki for the save.

 

The moment they made it out of the studio, Shu excused himself from the group. Briskly walking through the hallways, he could feel the flowers rising up his throat again. Shu was determined to just get to somewhere he could be alone for a moment, overwhelmed by the rapid beating of his own heart.

Finally making it to the bathroom, Shu chose the nearest stall to finally get rid of the tingling in the back of his throat. The moment he opened his mouth, an array of petals fell into the water. Red, white, yellow, mixed together as Shu once again reached to the back of his throat with his fingers to coax whatever was stuck there.

His attacks had worsened in the last days so by now, helping himself throw up was just a normal routine to Shu.

Closing his eyes, Shu felt his throat ache as the flowers finally moved up to his mouth and down to the toilet. No matter how many times he went through this, it always felt like time stopped, like there was nothing in the moment except for Shu, his flowers, and his feelings, and two of those things were trying to destroy the third.

After a small eternity, he finally felt like he could breathe. His throat ached, his head was spinning, and his heart was thumping against his ribcage as if it was a dying star about to explode into a supernova. Slowly opening his eyes, Shu counted five whole blooms in floating in the water, all the same flower but in different colours.

Leaning against the stall wall, Shu couldn’t hear the door to the bathroom opening and closing. The only thing he could hear was his own heartbeat. Which is why Shu almost jumped out of his own skin, when someone held a cold water battle to his shoulder.

“It’s just me, don’t worry,” Shiki said in a soft voice. “Though with how careless you were, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was someone else who found you.”

Shu turned his head to look up at Shiki. He was too tired to counter Shiki’s words, and Shiki seemed to understand that.

“Just take the bottle, you look like you need it.”

Moving to sit up against the wall, Shu begrudgingly took the bottle from Shiki, before producing a pack of painkillers from the inner pocket of his jacket. Meanwhile, Shiki got into the stall with him and made sure the door was actually locked this time. Leaning against the wall opposite of Shu, Shiki slowly took in the scene before him.

“I have to say, I was afraid something like this was going on, but I had no idea it was already this bad,” he said, after a low whistle.

“Why are you here?” Shu croaked out.

Shiki turned his gaze back to Shu.

“You sound like hell.”

That only earned Shiki a glare.

““You really have to ask? It’s because I’ve been suspecting something like this for two months now and apparently can’t leave you alone like this without you signing your own death certificate,” Shiki sighed. “You can’t go on like this. You need to tell him.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Shu answered, shaking his head.

“It’s Eichi, right,” Shiki said, watching Shu’s entire body tense for a millisecond. “Anyone with ears or a pair of eyes could tell you that, it doesn’t take a genius to see what’s going on between you.”

Shu refused to meet Shiki’s eyes. Another sigh escaped Shiki’s mouth. Maybe it was better to just drop the topic for now.

“Come on, can you get up? They’re probably starting to wonder where we are,” he asked, offering Shu a hand.

Taking the other man’s hand, Shu allowed himself to be pulled up from the ground. Finding it hard to keep his balance, he grabbed Shiki’s shoulder for support.

If Shu hadn’t closed his eyes, he would’ve seen the sympathetic look on Shiki’s face.

Unlocking the stall door, and flushing the evidence down the toilet, Shiki patted Shu’s back.

“Okay, let’s get you home.”

They both knew that this conversation wouldn’t be over for a long while.

—————

Since Shiki had found out, Shu ended up seeking refuge in Shiki’s studio on SolidS’ floor.

If his senior wasn’t present, Shu just let himself in and plopped himself down on the small sofa Shiki had in the room. Whenever he was working in his studio, however, he either left Shu alone, or tried to talk sense to him. Unfortunately for Shu, the latter happened more often than he would’ve liked.

That was also the case on this specific night, and Shu just wanted Shiki to let this whole thing be.

“Just tell him the truth already,” he heard Shiki say, repeating the words he’d been hearing for several weeks now.

Shu only huffed like a rebellious child. He didn’t need to tell Eichi anything. He had been able to hide the whole truth from him this long, and most of the ordeal from the twins with Eichi’s help. He’d made it this far without telling him and he could still keep this up, could still pretend he’d be fine with time, could still fool Eichi and watch the well – but not well enough – hidden pain that flashed through Eichi’s face every time he avoided the topic even though Eichi confronted him about it.

Or maybe he’d just have to admit Shiki was right and he couldn’t do that anymore. It hurt. It hurt when he had to see Eichi feel hurt because of all this. It hurt to see Eichi suffer just because he couldn’t say a few simple words because he was scared Eichi would freak out and bail on him. Maybe Shiki was right and was just speaking from his own experience.

“You’re getting close to your limit, it won’t be long until your body can’t take it anymore. It’s already affecting your work and people are talking. You _need_ to talk to him, Shu,” Shiki continued when Shu didn’t answer anything to him.

There was so many things Shu wanted to ask him. Did Shiki say this because he had experience? Did he talk like he knew something more because he too had been through this bittersweet torture? Did he actually know more than he let on?

Did Shiki know how to make all this unnecessary pain go away?

But Shu didn’t ask.

“I have it all under control, you don’t have to worry about me, _Shii-kun_ ,” he teased, still not removing the arms covering his eyes, not even to see what kind of face Shiki was making.

The studio was silent for a moment, before Shiki finally answered.

“It’s not just you I’m worried about you know. You’re not alone anymore.”

Shu didn’t answer to him anymore.

A minute passed. Then two. Then five.

After several more, Shu could hear Shiki get up from the chair, shuffle around a little and exit the room. The door clicked shut, but not before there was a blanket laying on top of him. Not before Shu had felt Shiki ruffle his hair almost affectionately.

He knew Shiki was right.

He just didn’t want to admit that.

—————

If only Shiki hadn’t been right, oh how Shu wished that was the case.

For a while, things were a little better. His attacks weren’t so violent, and he felt like he could control them better. Maybe that was what made him relax. And maybe that was what led to him making a bigger mistake than Shiki finding out.

It was a free night for all four members of QUELL, which was rare – even when Eichi had talked to the agency about lessening Shu’s workload since the last incident. The evening had gone well, they had cooked dinner together, they had eaten dinner together, and they had watched some late night tv together. Shu had enjoyed spending time with his found family.

But then, the twins had gone to bed, leaving him and Eichi take care of washing the dishes, like usual.

Maybe it was because it had become such a practiced routine for them, that Shu couldn’t feel the tell-tale signs of flowers creeping up his throat. Looking back on it, it was just like the first time the flowers appeared all over again. Just like his feelings for Eichi in the first place.

At first, he was chatting with Eichi while washing the plates and cups they used and the next moment all he could hear was something crashing, and he couldn’t breathe. Clutching his chest, the last thing Shu could see before closing his eyes were the light floorboards.

He had no idea how much time passed. He just kept coughing and coughing, vomiting everything stuck in his throat out. Few times it seemed like there were no more flowers, only for Shu to take a breath before it started again. Through this the only constants were the flowers rushing out, what felt like a hand caressing his back, and a distant voice saying something Shu couldn’t make out.

Once Shu could feel his breathing steady again, he could also feel the presence next to him leave.

Eichi had seen him.

He had broken down in front of Eichi.

Everything he had tried to keep to himself had been laid out in the open and now Eichi _knew_ what was going on with him and that wasn’t supposed to _happen-_

A sharp jolt of pain brought him out of his thoughts. Shu groaned, reaching to hold his head. There was nothing to be done anymore, the mistake was already made. Eichi knew and Shu couldn’t wiggle his way out of this.

Forcing his eyes open, Shu was greeted by a puddle of small blue flowers. On closer inspection, some of the blue flowers were different from others, but did Shu really care? Not in this moment, no. Coaxing his body to work with him, he dragged himself to a sitting position, only to notice Eichi had left somewhere. That gave him a few more moments to gather himself and assess the situation.

His throat felt like someone was constantly stabbing it with needles that were on fire. His whole body was struggling, his head pounding, heart racing, everything reminding him that he was still alive and breathing despite everything. Reminding him of what he’d one day lose unless he did something about the flowers.

What brought him out of his thoughts for the second time, was the sound of something connecting with the floor.

Looking up, Shu could see Eichi had returned with a pack of painkillers and a glass of water. Refusing to meet Eichi’s eyes, Shu went for the painkillers first, but stopped in his tracks when he saw Eichi reaching for the flowers out of the corner of his eye.

“Eichi, don’t tou-,” he called out, voice hoarse, grabbing hold of Eichi’s wrist before he could reach the flowers.

The grip of his hand was weak, but he had to stop Eichi, he couldn’t let Eichi go through all of _this_.

But Eichi only shook his head and shook his hand free.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it.”

Shu’s heart ached.

There was just something _dismal_ in the way Eichi said it. Shu was almost taken aback because Eichi didn’t usually let something like that out of his mouth even if he wanted. But maybe it was to be expected, Shu hadn’t told him. Shu had said there was nothing wrong and that it was all just stress. It was no surprise Eichi would be hurt that Shu didn’t trust him enough with this.

That left Shu to just sit there, while Eichi carefully picked up every single flower.

Neither of them said another word during that night.

—————

After that catastrophic night, things with Eichi were awkward at best, no matter how hard the both of them tried to pretend nothing had happened.

Shu was sure the twins were able to tell something was going on. Locking himself up in his room would only warrant more questions from them and gave them the chance to corner him so he wouldn’t be able to escape their questions. Shu could only imagine how bad Eichi already had it, spending most of his days with the twins.

All he could think of to fix this situation, was to apologize to the other man for lying to him.

What Shu hadn’t taken into consideration was that maybe Eichi was also hiding a secret of his own.

He had chosen an afternoon when the twins were out, leaving only himself and Eichi to their shared dorm.

 

“Eichi,” he started, knocking on the door only to find it slightly ajar already. “We need to talk.”

Without waiting for an answer, Shu pushed the door open, instantly regretting his actions.

The scene unfolding before his very eyes left him frozen. It was like time had stopped and there was nothing else in the universe except him and Eichi. Eichi, with a white blossom in his palm. Eichi with his mouth covered by his other hand, still in the process of getting everything out.

Their eyes met for a brief second, before Shu bolted. If Eichi tried to follow him, he didn’t notice. He just kept walking. Walking until he reached the only place he could go to.

He felt like someone had stabbed him in the heart, twisted the knife, and then pulled it out. Only two thoughts plagued his mind while he walked. _This is all my fault,_ and _Eichi has someone else._

Shu could feel his throat burn. Just a little longer, a little longer and he could let it all out. His heart felt like it was going to stop.

Eichi was in love with someone.

Eichi’s flowers were all his fault.

He couldn’t do anything to help.

The roots of his flowers were enveloping his heart. It felt like they’d smother it by this rate and Shu knew he had to calm down and vomit it out. But _Eichi was in love with someone and it was because of him that Eichi was now plagued by the flowers._

When Shu got to Shiki’s studio, he dove straight for the trashcan. He couldn’t hear anything anymore, not even Shiki trying to ask what was wrong. His mind was only concentrating on getting rid of the flowers blooming inside him too fast.

If he had thought the attack Eichi had witnessed was bad, this one was an absolute nightmare. Shu couldn’t feel anything except his heart hammering in his chest and his throat constricting around the flowers he was vomiting. Only thing he could hear was the blood rushing around his body.

He felt like he was dying.

After a while Shu could taste blood.

That somehow brought his mind back from wherever it had disappeared. Willing his shaking and aching body to move, he dragged himself up before crashing backwards, feeling his back hit the sofa. Shu reached for the trashcan and spit out the final flower still in his mouth.

Looking at the bloodied hydrangea mixed in with the pale yellow roses now splattered with drops of blood, with a horrified expression, Shiki was the first to break the silence.

“I know I’ve been saying this a lot, but this is the last warning you get. You have to end this now or your throat could take permanent damage from all the strain. And I probably don’t have to remind you of how important your voice is to you, seeing you make a living with it.”

“It’s not that simple,” Shu groaned, holding his head.

“Oh no, it’s very simple. I didn’t want it to come to this, but you either tell him, or get it removed. Or else you won’t have a choice anymore,” Shiki said, grasping Shu’s shoulder’s while he spoke.

The blond just shook his head.

“I love him, Shiki,” he said, instantly coughing up new petals, stained in crimson with the sin of loving another. “I love Eichi.”

“And it really took you this long to figure it out?” Shiki sighed in exasperation. “I’ve known that ever since I caught you coughing up camellias after that one radio show we did together a while back.”

“That’s not the point,” Shu whispered.

Shiki had never seen the younger man so shaken up like this.

“I don’t want to give him to anyone else. I don’t deserve him, yet I don’t want to let him go. But Shiki, I _can’t_ tell him. The least of all now. He knows. He knows I know. I don’t want to lose him, but I can’t try to keep him to myself if he’s in love with someone else,” Shu continued.

Despite being older and having experienced the same, Shiki didn’t know how to answer.

Shu shifted uncomfortably, bringing his knees closer so he could lean against them.

“I don’t know why I’m surprised, it’s nothing new that history only repeats itself,” he whispered.

“Shu, you aren’t like your mother. She may have lived with this for almost seven years, but you can’t do that,” Shiki said, his voice soft and slightly hesitant.

He was always afraid of bringing up Shu’s mother.

Yet Shu only let out a bitter laugh.

“I’m exactly like my mother. She ended up dying because she loved someone she could never have, and now I’m about to do the exact same thing.”

“Don’t say that,” Shiki hissed. “Don’t talk like you’re going to die. If you say that one more time, I’m calling your aunt and telling her everything. Do you think she’ll want to lose you like she lost her own sister?”

At his words, he could see Shu visibly pale.

“She… doesn’t need to know about this. She doesn’t need to know I’m the same as my mother, and in love with another man of all things-…“

“Stop that right now,” Shiki almost barked. “First of all, you know yourself that’s plain bullshit. You say you love Eichi and it’s because he’s _Eichi_ , nothing else. Secondly, you know just as well as I, that your aunt wouldn’t be bothered by the gender of your possible partner, rather she’d just be happy you’ve opened up to someone other than me.”

It was Shu’s turn to be surprised. It wasn’t that Shiki never lectured him anymore. Quite the opposite, Shiki lectured him quite often, sometimes even on a daily basis. It’s just that Shiki rarely used his serious tone with him anymore.

Shu sighed. He couldn’t win against Shiki, not when he was like this. He raised his head, eyes still closed, and rested it against the sofa behind him.

“Fine. You’re not wrong with that. But you still don’t have to contact her. I’ll… I will do something about this.”

He really hoped he could come up with some kind of solution to this entire mess. A solution that hopefully didn’t include him losing himself – or worse, losing Eichi.

—————

After five months of struggling to hide everything, Shu finally faced the biggest disaster – after Eichi finding out about his condition.

He had just finished shooting for his drama for the day. Sitting in his dressing room, waiting for his phone to chime, alerting him that someone was there to get him. All he had to do was to make it back to the dorm without an incident.

But his brain had to betray him.

The moment he thought about _home_ , his brain turned his attention to Eichi. Eichi would be waiting back at the dorm. Back at home. Shu still hadn’t patched things up with him, but that was mostly because his schedule had gotten tighter and the flowers were eating whatever little strength he had after a full day of work.

When came thoughts of Eichi, came the flowers. By instinct and well-practised routine, Shu covered his mouth with a hand when the coughing started. Except this time, something was off.

Shu felt dizzy, dizzier than usual, as he moved his hand off of his mouth with a slight feeling of dread at the back of his head.

It was blood, dripping off of his fingers.

Suddenly, Shu felt sick to his stomach, which in turn made his coughing worse. He was going to choke. Choke, _choke,_ **_choke_ ** \--!

There was a knock on his door, and he could faintly hear someone calling his name, before everything went to black.

—————

The next time he came to, he was staring at a white ceiling, in a room with white walls, and the lingering smell of disinfectant.

His entire body felt like he had been through hell.

Shu lifted himself to a better sitting position, every single muscle in his body protesting the movement. His head felt fuzzy, and there was definitely a headache approaching. Worst was his throat, prickling annoyingly and uncomfortably.

He could hear people having a faint discussion on the other side of the closed door.

There was still a lingering taste of blood in his mouth.

Taking a look at himself he noticed he was still wearing his clothes from earlier. While he was occupied with his clothes, the door to the room clicked open.

“Ah! He’s awake, everyone. Shu’s awake!” he heard Ichiru’s bright voice ring in his ears.

The next moment, Ichiru was at the side of his bed, closely followed by Issei, who was berating his brother about yelling. Issei’s attention was then redirected to making sure Shu was sitting up comfortably, as Shiki, Rikka, and Eichi entered the room. He couldn’t help but notice how Eichi stayed near the entrance of the room, closing the door behind them and he felt a pang of guilt in his heart.

“You really scared us this time, Shu,” Issei said, bringing him out of his thoughts.

“Ah, I’m sorry you had to worry, it’s not that serious,” he answered back, feeling at least two people glare daggers at him.

“Shu, we’ve talked about this, you should tell us if something is wrong,” Ichiru grumbled in turn.

“I know. It looks like I’ve still got a long way to go,” he admitted, voice quiet.

His throat was burning from just talking. It somehow felt like the entire room was slowly spinning, and Shu closed his eyes for a moment.

“Really, it’s okay, just never do anything like this again. You had us all so worried, Eichi was even shaking the whole way here and Rikka wouldn’t let him drive-!“

“Ichiru-!”

“Issei, Ichiru, why don’t we go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat. You two haven’t had dinner yet, right? At the same time, we could see if we could get some hot tea for Shu, his throat would probably appreciate that,” Shiki stopped Ichiru from saying anything more and cut off Eichi’s attempt of doing the same. “Besides, I’m sure these two have a lot to talk about.”

The twins got up from their respective seats – Ichiru with a bit more complaining than Issei – and exited the room, Rikka following behind them, saying something to Eichi before he went. Shiki was the last one to leave, giving Shu a look he knew all too well. _Don’t fuck this up._

That left only him and Eichi in the room after Shiki closed the door.

They spent a few moments in complete silence, before Eichi moved, taking Issei’s seat by his bed. Shu wanted to apologize. He wanted to apologize so much, but he couldn’t get a word out of his mouth. The tension in the air was so thick it could’ve been cut with a knife.

Then Eichi slammed his hands against the edge of the mattress, clearly making sure he wouldn’t hit Shu in the process.

“You idiot. You stupid _idiot_. Why didn’t you tell me earlier, I could’ve helped you and maybe then you wouldn’t be in a _hospital_ of all the places. _God,_ _Shu, you_ _could’ve died_ ,” Eichi almost yelled, but towards the end his voice became barely a breath. “If you died I-… I don’t know what-…”

Shu’s heart broke into million pieces. Eichi was clenching at the hospital bed sheets, his knuckles going white, and he was barely holding back tears, refusing to meet his eyes.

“Eichi,” Shu managed to say, his voice still hoarse. “Please don’t cry for me. I’m not worthy of your tears.”

“Don’t talk like that,” Eichi whispered, clutching at the sheets even harder. “Don’t talk like you don’t matter. Like you don’t matter to _me._ If you had died today I don’t know how I’d be able to _live_ -!”

Cutting himself off, Eichi let go of the sheets with his other hand to bring it up to his mouth.

“I’m not saying it wouldn’t be hard. But I know you would be able to  manage even if I died. I know you’d make sure the twins are looked after,” Shu said, voice breaking occasionally.

“You don’t understand!” the taller man raised his voice again.

Slowly, Eichi brought his closed fist, trembling, above the hospital bed.

“Don’t you dare tell me how much I value you, Izumi Shu.”

Shu was shocked. He was rendered nearly speechless when Eichi opened his hand and dropped a single red carnation with a few extra petals onto Shu’s lap. They both just stared at the flower for a while.

“How long?” Shu broke the silence.

“I want to say I can’t remember but… probably somewhere around when we first had lunch together,” the other man whispered. “Though it’s not nearly as long as you have been suffering.”

That made Shu furrow his brows.

“I’ve been plagued by the flowers for about five months now, what are you talking about?”

Finally, Eichi met his eyes, but the brunet was just as confused as he was.

“I… I thought you had it longer. You – you really scared me back then, you know, I couldn’t get anything through to you, and you sounded so bad. That’s why I thought you had it longer. Besides, you’ve known Shiki for a long time and-“

“Wait, what does Shiki have to do with this?” Shu cut him off.

“I’m sorry?”

“Did you… did you think I was – that I am – in love with Shiki? Shiki, of all the people?”

“You’re… not?”

Eichi’s heart skipped a beat as Shu let out a laugh.

“I do look up to Shiki, but I’ve never _loved_ him. Sure, we’re close, but I just admire him as a composer and an idol,” Shu explained, pausing for a moment. “Just don’t tell him I said that.”

Shu watched as Eichi let out a breath he hadn’t even noticed he was holding.

“Wait, you said it started when we first had lunch together, what does that-?” Shu barely managed to finish the sentence.

“Oh god, Shu. It’s you. It’s always been you.”

The next moment, everything else in the world didn’t matter.

It was just him and Eichi.

Somehow his hands found Eichi’s face, and he was pulling the other man closer.

Next thing he knew, his lips met Eichi’s.

He could feel Eichi let out a small noise, while his hand landed on Shu’s thigh for support. Long slender fingers got slowly lost in the brown soft curls. A hand found its way to grab the front of a dress shirt still donning dried splatters of blood. All that existed from them in that moment, was the other.

Neither of them could hear the hospital room door opening and closing.

Shu felt like he could finally breathe again.

**Author's Note:**

> orchid (green) - good fortune, blessing, good health  
> camellia - waiting (white), longing (yellow), in love, perishing with grace (red)  
> lily of the valley - sweet  
> pansy - thoughtful, caring  
> forget-me-not - true love  
> nemophila - the power to heal, success everywhere  
> rose (yellow) - jealousy  
> hydrangea - pride  
> carnation - fascination, distinction, love


End file.
